Fred the Uruk
by AquaticHampster
Summary: Fred the Uruk left Isenguard with his companion, Actifed the aquatic hamster...
1. The nice bit at the begining

The histories of Fred the Uruk  
  
This story begins in the Ladybird book of 'Children's Genetic engineering and Selective breeding' (Chapter VI page 108) The Breeding of non asexual (sexual) organisms  
  
Selective breeding in this case is done through artificial selection (see Chapter III) A male of one species and a female of another but of the same family class are chosen (e.g. a male chihuahua and a female alsatian) You then encourage the two to mate (this will not work if the selected organisms are of the same sex) Due to the variation in sexual reproduction, the offspring's genotype will then resemble certain characteristics of the mother's genes and certain characteristics of the father's, this will then affect the phenotype of the offspring (if a mutation occurs then certain strands of the genetic code will vary from that of the original genotypes)  
  
This delightful little extract was read by Saruman the White. He put the advice given into practise and soon had 30303 aquatic hamsters running around Isenguard. Then, ecstatic at his success, and a little big headed, he selected a goblin man and an orc and left them to stud and here was where the origins of Fred the Uruk originated.  
  
Fred was born and immediately he was issued with 3 aquatic hamsters, a pointy stick for killing things with, and a photograph of a little person with a ring. The orc in charge said 'This is your enemy. Find him and kill him. Fred dragged all the furniture out of Isenguard and looked behind every fridge in the kitchens and still couldn't find him. Ashamed that he had failed his mission (this may have been because Actifed - one of his aquatic hamsters - had eaten the photo) and lost all but one of his hamsters (Lozenge and Lemsip were last seen gnawing at a long black stick which Saruman was fond of carrying around with him to zap people with) Fred left Isenguard to visit his granny in Moria.  
  
But Fred never got to Moria he wandered lost and alone (except for his companion, Actifed) He saw many strange and wonderful things on his journey, which led him to the banks of a quiet river where he became a hermit.  
  
It is of Fred's (and Actifed's) adventures which I will write... 


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter I  
  
Fred and Actifed set out on a beautiful sunny day, the scenery was lovely and the rain was slashing down about them. Being an aquatic hamster, Actifed was having a whale of a time. (Note on aquatic hamsters: Aquatic hamsters are hamsters with qualities similar to both, whales and hamsters. Their paws are webbed and they have blow holes in the top of their heads. However, like the average land hamster, aquatic hamsters are able to sustain hyperactivity for longer than most other mammals - except small children - and can see in the dark. It has been suggested that the ability to see in the dark comes from what your carrot ratio is, for example, cats and hamsters can see very well in the dark because they are primarily composed of carrots, however, radiators and other household appliances have very poor night vision because they are less than 1% carrot. This theory also explains why most cats do not eat vegetables: to them it is practically cannibalism. The curious thing is that hamsters do eat vegetables, but, despite the high carrot pecentage in cats, they do not generally eat cats - in fact it is often the reverse. Still, the truly ironic thing about the theory is that carrots themselves cannot see in the dark as they have no eyes)  
  
They crossed a small river, the water was swirling around Fred's neck and it had got into his boots as well. When the two reached the other side they rested for a while and Actifed shook himself down. Suddenly, Actifed froze. A shadow fell across him.  
  
"I'm terribly sorry old chap, I appear to have been most careless and let my shadow fall across you, not bruised are you dear boy? No? Good, I... Oh how dreadfully rude of me, ignoring your fellow friend like that, I think it's time I introduced myself, I'm Legolas."  
  
Fred and Actifed looked at each other and then slowly turned to face Legolas, a bewildered expression on their faces.  
  
"Yes... Well... I don't suppose you chaps have seen a short gentleman who has no dress sense, or a somewhat taller gentleman who needs to wash his hair? They're called Gimli and Aragorn, don't you know. Very prestigious chaps, like me, I'm an elvish prince. Anyhow, we were tracking a band of Uruki across the plains - they'd pinched a couple of friends of ours you see - and I lost them, tragic what, jolly annoying to."  
  
Fred shook his head.  
  
"Oh well, in that case dear boy, I don't suppose you know where these damn Uruks were headed do you, you being one yourself and all?  
  
Again, Fred shook his head.  
  
"Oh dear, what a terrible shame, thanks anywhy you chaps... Oh, by the way, if you're ever in Mirkwood and you fancy a spot of luncheon, just pop into my abode, here's the jolly old address."  
  
Legolas handed Fred a small card and before Fred could explain that he couldn't read, Legolas bade them another lengthy fair well before departing on his way.  
  
Fred and Actifed got up and journeyed on a little further. Before long, they came to a cliff face. The companions were wondering what to do when they heard a chip-chip chip-clang Ow noise, followed by a volley of extremely unpleasant language. Keen to investigate the source of the noise, Fred and Actfed turned north along the wall. After a few moments walking, they turned a corner and discovered a stocky gentleman who had a mallet in his left hand and who was sucking the thumb of his right. Fred coughed to attract the persons attention.  
  
"Top o' de mornin to ya. What's ya names? No let me guess, it's O'Connel and O'Neill isn't it - or maybe it's t'other way 'round."  
  
For the second time that day, Fred and Actifed had bewildered expressions on their faces.  
  
"I say," exclaimed the stocky gentleman "I don't tink I've introduced myself have I. My names Gimli, son of Gloin son of Daniel O'Donnel. I come from a big mountain where we mine mine potatoes and other useful minerals. Ah sure t'is all right but we keep on havin' to attack these Orc things. Anyway, I suppose you'll be wantin' to know what on earth I'm a-doin'. I'm carving 'Gimli woz 'ere' on this chunk o' boulder. By the way, y' haven't by any chance seen a man who needs to wash his hair, or an elvish prince? The blokes called Aragorn, he's meant to be king o' some big city down south, but someone cocked up the administration side o' tings and now the poor lad's just a ranger who needs to wash his hair - a sure t'is a terrible shame. The prince well, he's just a upper class eejit who dinks wine instead o' good Irish Tea, the boy dosen't even drink Guiness. Oh t'will be a shame if y'avent seen 'em. Anyway, must toddle on, top o' de mornin' to ya.  
  
And with that the Dwarf left whistling ShamRock to himself. Actifed and Fred looked at each other again and then pushed on along the cliff face. Then they came to a sudden drop. In the distance the companions could see the Anduin river. Then, something else caught their eye: a man with greasy hair running due south.  
  
"Wee. I'm schitzophrenic, I'm schitzophrenic. Ha ha. I love you Mrs Yoghurt, I want to hold you in my arms."  
  
There was a dull thud as the amn ran into a tree. Fred and Actifed quickly descended the drop to see if the man was all right. They stood over him, he had concussion. His eyes slowly opened.  
  
"Who are you?" He said. Fred explained that he was Fred the Uruk and that his furry friend was called Actifed. The man considered this for a moment.  
  
"I love you Actifed, I want to hold you in my arms, Actifed."  
  
Fred and Actifed were gone, heading north along the Anduin river. 


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter II  
  
Beyond them loomed Mirkwood. It had been a week since they had been kicked out from Lorien. It had not been a pleasant experience, it had started when Fred had called Galadriel a slut and they had finally been evicted when Actifed ate a strand of Celeborn's hair, quite by mistake, while Celeborn slept.  
  
Fred called a halt and Actifed climed down of his head where he sat if he couldn't keep up with Fred (which was quite often.) They were both hungry. Unlike the previous guests of Galadriel, Fred and Actfed had not been given any parting presents, except for a clip round the ear for Fred and a hair clip Actifed found blocking his blow hole two days after they left. Fred remembered Legolas and took the card he had given them out from behind his ear. He still couldn't read the strange inscriptions of the card. He and Actfed sat staring at the card for several minutes before Fred stood up, scooped up Actfed and placed him in his position of honour atop his head and set off. They were going to chance the shifting paths of Mirkwood in order to find food.  
  
The first obstacle was crossing the Anduin river, but that was easily solved. Fred sat on Actifed's back while the little hamster swam swiftly across.  
  
It was evening when the companions reached the line of the trees. Fred paused: he was unsure of whether he wanted to risk the woods at night or if he would prefer to sleep for a while first. Actifed's tummy grumbled and Fred plunged into the trees desperate to find food for his furry friend. After a few more hours journeying, Fred saw lights in the distance, lights and singing. He broke into a run. Actifed fell of his head. His little paws dug into Fred's skull, but the tiny being failed to hang on. Fred felt Actifed slide of. He turned to see him, but there was nothing there. Despairing and disappointed he collapsed to his knees and let out a long wail. He cried and he cried. He lamented for the loss of his last hamster.  
  
After a while he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see a beautiful elf-woman.  
  
"Hi sugar, What's up."  
  
Fred tearfully explained that his aquatic hamster had escaped.  
  
"Tell me all about it honey."  
  
So Fred explained all that had befallen him since leaving Isenguard. He got to the bit about Legolas when the girl exclaimed  
  
"I'm Legolas' girlfriend, I'm Marilyn Monroe. Did my baby tell you about me sugar?"  
  
Fred told her that Legolas had not mentioned his girlfriend, but he had given him and his aquatic hamster and invitation to luncheon.  
  
"Sorry, honey, Luncheon's over, tell you what though, sugar, it's nearly time for breakfast. Why don't you come and have breakfast with me while some of my friends look for you little pal. What do you say sugar."  
  
Fred agreed, but he was a trifle confused as to why Marilyn Monroe insisted on calling him by various food products and not by his real name. I would, he decided, be a problem to meditate over when he retired.  
  
Breakfast was good, and Fred grew to understand why Elves always sang while eating. The reason being that elves are particularly fond of a good vintage wine, barrels of which would be drunk during a single meal. Fred enjoyed the company of the drunk elves a lot more than the solemn sombre elves of Lorien. During the meal, he and a number of other elves decided to play Risk. Risk is a very dull game normally, however, when all the competitors are blasted out of their whit's, the game becomes very interesting indeed. For a start, the players can sometimes be seeing double, on this occasion, one participant could see triple, therefore, whenever you move an army, you are never really sure whose army your moving, how many armies your moving or where your moving the armies to. The game was made even harder because, the players used squirrels instead of pieces. This caused seveChapter III  
  
Beyond them loomed Mirkwood. It had been a week since they had been kicked out from Lorien. It had not been a pleasant experience, it had started when Fred had called Galadriel a slut and they had finally been evicted when Actifed ate a strand of Celeborn's hair, quite by mistake, while Celeborn slept.  
  
Fred called a halt and Actifed climed down of his head where he sat if he couldn't keep up with Fred (which was quite often.) They were both hungry. Unlike the previous guests of Galadriel, Fred and Actfed had not been given any parting presents, except for a clip round the ear for Fred and a hair clip Actifed found blocking his blow hole two days after they left. Fred remembered Legolas and took the card he had given them out from behind his ear. He still couldn't read the strange inscriptions of the card. He and Actfed sat staring at the card for several minutes before Fred stood up, scooped up Actfed and placed him in his position of honour atop his head and set off. They were going to chance the shifting paths of Mirkwood in order to find food.  
  
The first obstacle was crossing the Anduin river, but that was easily solved. Fred sat on Actifed's back while the little hamster swam swiftly across.  
  
It was evening when the companions reached the line of the trees. Fred paused: he was unsure of whether he wanted to risk the woods at night or if he would prefer to sleep for a while first. Actifed's tummy grumbled and Fred plunged into the trees desperate to find food for his furry friend. After a few more hours journeying, Fred saw lights in the distance, lights and singing. He broke into a run. Actifed fell of his head. His little paws dug into Fred's skull, but the tiny being failed to hang on. Fred felt Actifed slide of. He turned to see him, but there was nothing there. Despairing and disappointed he collapsed to his knees and let out a long wail. He cried and he cried. He lamented for the loss of his last hamster.  
  
After a while he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see a beautiful elf-woman.  
  
"Hi sugar, What's up."  
  
Fred tearfully explained that his aquatic hamster had escaped.  
  
"Tell me all about it honey."  
  
So Fred explained all that had befallen him since leaving Isenguard. He got to the bit about Legolas when the girl exclaimed  
  
"I'm Legolas' girlfriend, I'm Marilyn Monroe. Did my baby tell you about me sugar?"  
  
Fred told her that Legolas had not mentioned his girlfriend, but he had given him and his aquatic hamster and invitation to luncheon.  
  
"Sorry, honey, Luncheon's over, tell you what though, sugar, it's nearly time for breakfast. Why don't you come and have breakfast with me while some of my friends look for you little pal. What do you say sugar."  
  
Fred agreed, but he was a trifle confused as to why Marilyn Monroe insisted on calling him by various food products and not by his real name. I would, he decided, be a problem to meditate over when he retired.  
  
Breakfast was good, and Fred grew to understand why Elves always sang while eating. The reason being that elves are particularly fond of a good vintage wine, barrels of which would be drunk during a single meal. Fred enjoyed the company of the drunk elves a lot more than the solemn sombre elves of Lorien. During the meal, he and a number of other elves decided to play Risk. Risk is a very dull game normally, however, when all the competitors are blasted out of their whit's, the game becomes very interesting indeed. For a start, the players can sometimes be seeing double, on this occasion, one participant could see triple, therefore, whenever you move an army, you are never really sure whose army your moving, how many armies your moving or where your moving the armies to. The game was made even harder because, the players used squirrels instead of pieces. This caused several major problems, catching the squirrels in the first place, painting them the player's chosen colour, moving several armies (or squirrels) at once and stopping the squirrels from crossing territory borders independently. It was, however, during the game that Fred saw a familiar figure. Actifed. He pointed out to an elf called Monopoly that Actifed was not a squirrel and that further more, Actifed was his aquatic hamster.  
  
"Jus look will you." stammered the elf "That's my only army left on the board, admitititadely, it's tail' a bit short, but it's still mine."  
  
The elf poked his finger at Actifed who looked at it for a brief second and then sank his jaws into the unfortunate elf's finger.  
  
"Hi honey, I see you got your friend back. He's an adorable little thing, aren't you sugar?"  
  
Actifed nodded and let go of the finger he had been clinging on to.  
  
The pair enjoyed many days in Mirkwood, they enjoyed Monroe's company, they enjoyed the food and the drink, the singing and the games. But one morning, both Fred and Actifed woke up with a hang over. After drinking vast amounts of coffee (which Actifed insisted on swimming in) the pair bid farewell their new found friends. Fred kissed Marilyn Monroe on the cheek and Actifed bit Monopoly on the nose. Then they set off, once again, this time heading west, on a path which led to the Misty Mountains. They journeyed in silence. The Actifed said, "Well the stupid elf deserved it." 


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter III  
  
This is a quote from one of my friends:  
  
'Papers. Papers. Papers. Papers. You don't understand, I'm in a play.' 


End file.
